The Wonderful Mind of Me!

I've moved :)

2009-01-11T02:32:00.001-08:00

I don't think anyone will still be checking this for updates, it's been over a year! But incase you are, i now blog here - wanted a fresh start from some of the thoughts on this page, and it'd been a year since i blogged last so felt natural.

So come on over!!

A time to reflect...

2007-12-23T02:51:00.000-08:00

It will soon be 2008, and with that comes some reflection...i haven't really felt this reflective before a new year before!

A lot has happened internally this year. Not to do with physical organs, i've not had surgery, but it's probably been the hardest year of my life...without me being able to completely pin down why.

There are obvious things, like university work, which has challenged me lots, and taken lots to get done, Nath and i breaking up - although it was really good for me, that doesn't mean it was easy in the slightest, and it threw up a load of Amy-issues that i needed to, and in some cases, still do need to resolve and work through.

Then there are the less obvious things - stuff that's happened to me that i've needed to work through, financial struggles, adapting to sharing a house again, questions about 'where i fit in' when looking at my community and future, challenges at work, family stuff, just...tonnes. I just remember through this year having so many periods of feeling completely low, alone, pointless, sad...it's been really tough.

But then, i can feel that i'm changing through it all, for the better. I'm learning from it all, about me, about others, about God. And although i've not heard from Him as much as i'd have liked to, He's done so many little things that show me that He loves me, i've started to experience what i've heard others call 'being romanced by God'. That doesn't make the horrible things ok, but those little moments have come occasionally, and just in time.

So, onto the next year. 2008. I know it's going to be difficult with university work, and i know there's still lots of things for me to work through about myself, but i'm open to those things. It's a kind-of 'i've been at the lowest i could ever be, so why not carry on?!' situation, where i know that God's wanting me to get closer to being the person He created me to be...which has been my prayer for ages. It does hurt a lot, this journey, but i know that i want to get through it, because i know i want to be the person at the other end of it, in the closer relationship with God that, because i'm having to turn to and lean on Him with all of this stuff, i know i will be in as a result.

Quote of the day...

2007-04-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

You know the one where Phoebe gets married? This quote made me laugh out loud.

Joey: Oh hey, don't worry. I'm still ordained from your wedding.
Monica: Really?
Joey: Yeah, you'd think I'd give up being a minister and start paying to ride the subway? Huhuh...
Ross: Uhm, ministers don't ride the subway for free.
Joey: I had to read the Bible pretty carefully, but... yeah we do.

Lol, it's amazing what you can find in the bible if you look hard enough!!

The Zimmers

2007-04-20T07:16:00.001-07:00

My Generation

This is so wonderful! I love it! How great that these guys are out there having a go at this - respect to them!! And an important message that is in need of being heard too. Made me smile.

Identity

2007-04-09T04:54:00.000-07:00

It's so important that we make sure that our identity is in the right things! I'm currently really seeking to have my identity in God - 100%, and as i'm praying into it more, i really see how important it is that i have it! Otherwise my life depends on all these contingent things that are rubbish in comparison to him!

I know that it's something that he really wants me to get right too, but its so easy to just cling onto things around me - relationships, my job/education, money, 'things', eek, and it just doesn't work. And i know that if i get to that place, then i will be such a better person, not because of something i've done, but because my identity is based in something that is completely perfect!

I'm desperate to be able to completely trust in God, and have my identity come out of our relationship instead of all those other things. But it's a slow and painful process - i'm sort of just putting myself out there and hoping he meets me there!

It's all sort-of come out of these sessions we're having at work, where we're looking at the gospel with a fresh glance, and it's so amazing the things you miss! I'm just waiting for it all to click.

So...yeah, for those of you who pray (and those who dont!) throw one in there for me and my identity!

Beautiful, distracted day!

2007-03-26T07:45:00.000-07:00

Well, yeah, it's a beautiful day outside, and i'm uber distracted.

I made the mistake of allowing myself to wake up 'whenever' instead of setting the alarm, which for some reason means i wont study well for the rest of the day.

I did a work out, which is the first in aaages, so that's good, and have just finished cleaning the gerbils' house and my house - it gets so dirty with two extra people living in it!

I'm now distracted with a bunch of prophecies i was given at work a good few months ago, is well cool how God speaks to us through people, and i only wish i'd looked at them a few weeks ago - i'm definitely on a journey of discovering who i am, and these prophecies back that up, which is nice - is great to know that i'm not just imagining it all!

Lots of random bits!

2007-03-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

Thought i'd stick a pretty picture on!

Well, lots of randomness such as this photo is about to follow - an outflowing of some of my brain!

I finally feel like i've got space to breath, which is great - two assignments are in, and i've got a whole day tomorrow to work on fieldwork - oh the joys!!

I've managed to spend a ridiculous amount of money in the last fortnight - quite scary and don't know how i've done it - but ho-hum, it's only money! I'll just live off rice for a bit! (erm...not quite!)

Have booked a holiday to Lisbon with a couple of friends, so that'll be great fun - really looking forward to getting away, but really need some time off before then - it's not until July! Might see if i can spend a lengthy period of time down in London or something.

Other news, i've attended my first ever hen party - not MY hen party, a friends hen party, lol, and it was wonderful fun! Well looking forward to the wedding in two weeks! Another lovely friend's engaged, which is great news, so went wedding dress browsing today - some of the dresses are a bit odd...but hey! Don't think she's actually stopped smiling!

My prayer atm is that i can live my life knowing my true identity in God, and with him at the centre of it - is the only way to go, really! Found stuff pretty hard until very recently, but really feel like that's over, and that it was for a purpose, and that i'm headed somewhere quite cool with God now.

Been 'officially' dating Nath for pretty much 20 months now - that's over a year and a half. Lots and lots of thoughts. Hmmmm....

University and Primary School.

2007-03-11T05:28:00.000-07:00

I found this on facebook and thought it was funny!

TOP 10 REASONS THAT UNIVERSITY IS LIKE PRIMARY SCHOOL
10. You cry more often.
9. You cross the street without looking for cars.
8. Snack time is a necessity.
7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like. (Though, i did care at primary, just didn't have any choice in the matter - MUM!)
6. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
4. You wear big mittens.
3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
2. You take naps.
1. You look forward to cheese toasties.
....so true, so true.
Only the one biiiiiiiiiiiig difference between uni and primary school is the insane stress...and that i'm an autonomous adult now...and that i have real responsibilities (not like feeding the goldfish at primary)...and i've got to make real decisions about my future...erm, well, lets say there are similarities and differences!

Birthday Balloons

2007-02-25T03:05:00.000-08:00

My birthday balloons, over a week later, are still afloat.
This makes me happy.
Even though i keep on getting freaked out by them because i think they're a person in my living room!

London and Birmingham

2007-02-24T06:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i find it really hard to be up here, when so much of my life seems to be in London. Obviously there's Nathan, but also there's his family, our friends, their church...and i miss them/it when i'm not there.
I just watched a video of Nath's nephew, Benjamin, and one of his big sisters Esther, and it just really made me want to be there - i really love his family (hey to those of you reading this who come under that title!) and hate that i don't get a lot of time with them, and how that means that we're not as close as we could be.
I guess i'm feeling it especially at the moment because of the new addition to the family, and a friend left the country for months and months and i wasn't able to go to his goodbye thing.

Here's a link to the video, incase you're interested!

I do, however, really appreciate my family and friends here (even though the friends are scattered across various universities). I love having dad, mum, Joshi and nan so close, i've got such a wonderful family! So if i was in London, i'd be missing Birmingham like mad! It's a loose/loose and win/win situation.

Right, back to studies!

Bored of being a student now!

2007-02-23T04:50:00.000-08:00

Argh!

So, being a student isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I'm currently doing an assignment on a subculture, their worldview, and creating an appropriate missiology for them. I'm in the stage where it's not flowing from me - i have harldy any references, it all smells, and i don't like it. It's a wonderful course, and i'd encourage anyone going into youth and community work to do it, but it's not easy!

I'd love to be able to do my work, get home, and that's it. But atm there is ALWAYS something to do. And i'm only half way through my degree! Guess that's the nature of being a student and having a placement at the same time. Is just making me feel restricted atm, and i like to feel free.

16 months to go! Wow...i wonder what my life will be like in 16 months, what will have changed, what i'll be like...that's an interesting thought!

What an...odd couple!

2007-02-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

Nath and i like jelly belly beans.

And we like sorting things.

So when i got bought a big tub of the things Nath suggested sorting them into their colours, and then we decided to make something...lol, we make ourselves laugh.

My Birthday!

2007-02-20T10:06:00.002-08:00

Whooo! I'm 21!!! Is crazy - makes me feel quite old, i was shopping and saw outfits that i actually feel too old to wear!! I had a lovely weekend. Had brunch with my close family, then went ice skating with friends, chilled at my house for a bit, then went out to Broadstreet to a great club called Risa. The next day i saw my larger family and my family friends for a lovely lunch. Then we went to my parents house, and eventually Nath and i got back to mine and watched a movie.

Me and my wool thing.

2007-02-20T09:49:00.000-08:00

You may or may not know, but i don't like wool. Or cotton, actually, and it's quite bad.

I can't use cotton wool, or wear certain jumpers, or watch people chewing or rubbing certain jumpers, or tying kids laces...i mean, it's making me go funny just thinking about it!

So, i decided to knit nath a scarf. Approach it head on. It had to be for Nath, otherwise i wouldn't have finished it...and it worked! I was able to knit a whole scarf! However, it still effects me quite a lot.

Ho-hum, at least he got a scarf out of it! Maybe i'll keep it up...or not...

The snow!

2007-02-08T13:45:00.000-08:00

Well, it's quite predictable that i'm going to do a post on the snow, but still, it must be done! My dad said today that everyone needs to make a snowman - because we're all a child at heart.

When he bought me home from an evening at my parents, there were two HUGE snowballs in the middle of my road - there was just enough space for the car to squeeze past - i loved it!

There's something about the snow that brings people out of their usual reserved socially acceptable personas and allows them to express themselves - another thing Dad said was that snow is the only thing that will always bring the child out of a teen - who spend their whole lives trying to be older...and i really like that. I love seeing people throwing snowballs, rolling huge balls, making snowmen, being playful - it's great!

AND...i got to book myself out of uni early, one teaching day instead of two! Whoo! I love the snow!!!

Of course, there's the freezingness and the bad driving, but i like to focus on the positive - whoo - it's real snow!!!

Friends, food, and yummy coctails!

2007-01-28T03:17:00.000-08:00

I really don't meet up with my friends enough. I guess in the busy-ness of my life i just don't make time for them, which i should. I met up with a couple of friends for a meal yesterday evening, and had such a lovely time being with people.

I realised that actually relationships like those are totally a gift from God, something that's there to support and encourage us - after meeting with friends i always feel so much better about everything! I've got to try and be more pro-active about meeting up with people - because if i don't then i'll just not see anyone, ever.

Frankie and Bennies, btw people, is a very yummy place to eat, and to drink amazing coctails! My personal favorite? Strawberry Shortcake! Mmmmmmmm...

Sorted it!

2007-01-27T04:25:00.000-08:00

Ok, just changed my blog settings so that anyone can comment - i don't want to be exclusive now, do i?! So...comment away!

Had a great time at uni this week - got really passionate about mission, and had a few more things thrown at me to further develop my theologising! Loving it!

Hello to you all! An update on me!

2007-01-23T12:03:00.000-08:00

Oops, it has been quite a while since i last posted!

Erm, an Amy update is that i'm in quite an odd place atm. A friend called it the January Blues, i've not really come across it before, but i guess that's what it could be.

I just feel passive about quite a lot, and just have a rubbish feeling going on. All i want to do is get away. I've spoken to a few people who can identify with it which is a bit wierd, but i just don't know what to do about it! Am hating it though - is so not me!

Soooo...yeah!

Aside from that, i'm loving uni, one week back and i'm being super challenged! Is fantastic, but requires a great deal.

My current hot potato , now that i've got as close as i think i will to what church is about, is what Calling is about. It's thrown around alot by christians, but i guess in reflecting on me i've started to question the emphasis we place on it in our lives - from what i can gather in the bible if God wants people to do something then He lets them know, very clearly. Moses and the burning bush for example.

But what about the others?

The disciples all were sent out to be fishers of men, and like with Joseph, their situations seem to dictate where they end up and what they end up doing, not them going and seeking what it is that God wants, and feeling pants when they're not sure.

What i think is my theology at the moment (but is constantly being questioned in my head) is that we are each given gifts and talents and maybe even things are placed on our hearts by God, and we are called to live a worshipful life.

If God wants us to do something specific then he'll surely make it clear, and if he doesn't want us to do something then the same - eg Moses and Jonah. If he doesn't do that then i think we might be free to make our own decisions - depending on the circumstances that come up. Just as long as we are seeking to please and worship him.

What do you think?

Quite a big post...There you go Lou! Updated!!

Christmas is coming!

2006-12-16T14:35:00.000-08:00

I've felt quite festive this year, the poor people who work with me have already been subjected to my holiday-mood!

I've got a beautiful Christmas tree which Nath helped me decorate last week, and it now has lots of gifts under it for, well, to be honest most of them are going down south to London - it feels like I've got an extended family down there even though they're technically not my family - which is nice.

Thing is, it's not what Christmas is about. However, i don't have as much as a problem with it as many people I've spoken to do. For me, Christmas symbolises perfect Love, God loving us so much that he was willing to give up something so very precious to him, so that we could enter into a relationship with him.

So for me, even though i hate the commercialism of it all, i love the fact that i can give gifts and cards, which are a symbol of my love for the people who receive them, which will ultimately be making God really happy, because he loves those people far more than i ever can! Just as long as he's not forgotten and lost in the midst of it all, Because it's his love we're celebrating.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

You as a pixel.

2006-12-13T10:22:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought about how many people there are in the world?

Check this out to see the population of the earth in pixel form!

Student-ness

2006-11-17T07:21:00.000-08:00

I find that sometimes, when i come to study, i'm just not able to get my head down and do it. And it's so frustrating!

I think it might be psychological, that i see a huge task, and i can't see how it's going to get done, so i just get distracted, or end up leafing through books for hours and not getting anywhere!

Today has been more of the latter, i've started the same assignement in 4 different ways!!

I've got just 1,500 words to identify and critically evaluate the management, practice and theology of Urban Devotion - please, someone, how am i supposed to do that?!

Hmmm, well, writing here isn't helping much, so i'll be off!

I love Autumn!

2006-11-11T11:43:00.000-08:00

...when it's not freezingly windy and chucking it down with rain!! :)

I live near a little stream which i walk past on my way to work, and around it are all these different types of trees, at different stages of their leaf-shedding, and the colours are absolutely incredible. It is truely beautiful and even breathtaking. I love getting to that part of my walk, the colours are so warm, and yeah, i like it a lot!

Creation alone is proof to me that we have one Awesome God!

The Church, the Kingdom and Revelation of Jesus.

2006-11-07T10:33:00.000-08:00

We had a meeting at work today where we were talking about the church, kingdom of God and Jesus, and it was really interesting.

The basic gist of it was that we all too often focus on building the church, when in fact that's God's job (Jesus said that He would build His church, and never told anyone else to do it on his behalf).

However, God has given us the keys to the Kingdom, and it is through the Kingdom being revealed that the Church will come about - because Jesus will work through us.

Before we can go there with the Kingdom, we need to have a real understanding of what it is, and be basded on its values ourselves (or at least trying to be!).

However, before doing that we need to make sure that we have had a true revelation of Jesus in our lives. That we truely know Him, and that our identity is in Him. If we don't have that, then these other things can't be as God truely intended them to be. They will still be there, just in a distorted state.

Someone used the metaphore of a boat, heading for a destination. If it's just 5 degrees off at the start of the journey, by the end of it it will be in a completely different place to its destination. Similarly, if we're not living in Christ completely, then we'll end up in a different place to where he was heading, and i think there are quite a few churches in that position today.

So, everything needs to come out of that security in our identity in Christ, and a true revelation of who Jesus is. Furthermore everything we do needs to be Christ working in us, not us working for Christ. There's a subtle difference, but it's actually pretty huge. If we're not right in that place at the start, then we'll not end up in the ideal place at the end. We'll still be ok, but not fantastic. And it's from that revelation of Christ that we need to always start, that's where our focus needs to be.

I don't think i've fully digested it, but God's been talking to me a lot recently about my identity needing to be in Him, and about my life being focused on Him instead of what's going on around me, and i think that fits in really well with today. So...i guess there's some more changes and developments for me to go through!

Tea, anyone?

2006-10-06T03:16:00.000-07:00

So, i get looked at in a very peculiar way when i tell people i don't actually drink tea or coffee because i don't like them...or at least i have done. Recently i've started to encounter the odd person who actually agrees with me.

I thought i'd raise this up with you lot, so here's some of my thoughts on coffee and tea:

Lots of people who do drink them say they 'got used to the taste'...why would you bother?! This one sounds a lot like conforming to what is considered the 'norm'

BOTH are bad for you! You can be addicted to them - why would you constantly drink something that's bad for you?

Some people have to have it really milky, so they can hardly taste the tea or coffee, what's the point in that?! Thats just watered down hot milk with a nasty aftertaste!

Coffee gives you coffee breath - it exists, i've smelt it.

They actually dehydrate you, it doesn't even make sense! A DRINK that dehydrates you?

So...yet again i turn to you, oh friends who are reading this. I pose a question or two to you! Do you drink tea or coffee? If yes, then have you always liked it? Do you have anything to add?!

I look forward to hearing from you - especially those who don't drink it - you're the better people!

Gerbils have nightmares!

2006-10-02T11:23:00.000-07:00

A good few months ago i ended up with two gerbils as a result of bad sex ed in the pet shop my bro got his two 'guys' from. I didn't really have a huge choice in the matter, it was a case of 'will you have the girls at yours because if you don't there's nowhere for them to live'.

I now love them. I really do. I'm going to be heartbroken when they die!

But today one of them had a nightmare, was very funny. I was sitting reading, and all of a sudden Perry (mummy gerbil) shot out of her bed to the opposite side of the tank and was tapping her feet (which means she's scared). After about two minutes she checked out the tank and then went back to bed. Awww, bless her!

So there you have it. Gerbils have nightmares!!!

'Have faith and trust Me...'

2006-09-25T14:40:00.000-07:00

Man, on a slightly more serious side than my previous post, God's been telling me to have faith and trust him with, well, basically my life. Now, before he'd told me this i'd always thought that actually that was something i did. But, turns out i don't.

You see, i like to know that its going to be ok. I like to see what's coming up, I don't like having to wait for an answer. And that's what He's making me do. I don't have a clue what's going to happen in my life, and some of the options are really quite painful. So now the ONLY thing i can do is have faith and trust Him, clinging to Him. And i can see it happening, but that doesn't make it any easier.

On top of this i'm reading two 'amy changing' books, one of which i've already written a rather long post on - captivating, and the other is called the celebration of disciplines. One looks at who i am and is releasing me to be who i'm meant to be, the other is challenging my entire approach to life!

Also just starting the second year of my course, which is a bit stressful, getting back into all that writing and time-keeping and box-ticking!

Soo, very insecure, challenging, rocky time atm for me!

New phone!!

2006-09-25T14:10:00.000-07:00

Whoo! I got a new phone. It took me a very long time to pick one, cause they're all big or flicky phones, and i don't want one of those.

It's a Nokia 3250 (apparently), and i have 80 songs stored on it, and can take 100 photos even with those songs there - whooo!

Erm...the sound quality is actually quite good considering its a phone, and it can get very loud.

I do like having toys.

The bottom bit twists around so that you can have a music player or a camera, both of which you can also use with the phone in its normal state.

It's a bit big, but i like it.

Kiwi Fruit

2006-09-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

Hey guys.

I need your help, because something i've known for a while about my boyfriend and one of his sisters (Hey Lou!) just keeps on coming back in my mind, and i just need to find out if there's anyone else out there like them! (And i would just like to say i love them both lots!)

You see, whereas i can't bear the skin of a kiwi fruit, they simply wash it and bite into it, like you would an apple. Now, i personally just can't get my head around this one - so i open it up to you lot, please, does anyone else do this?

Lou, have you always eaten kiwis like this? And don't you get the hairs stuck in between your teeth?!

I just don't understand, but maybe thats just me! Anyone?!?!

The treadmill dance

2006-09-02T15:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i know this is my third post in one day, but my bro just sent me this link and i think it's well good! So enjoy the wonders of the treadmill dance!

The Treadmill Dance

Tip-toe me!

2006-09-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

Oooh, i've discovered that i am actually not alone in my tip-toe-ing, as i first thought! One of my young people's dads walks on his tip toes a lot, and says it's just something that he has always done - whoo! That's one of my odd things that someone else does. Is very exciting to find someone else!

There must be people out there who share my other apparently odd things, i only find out they're odd when people either laugh or go 'what are you doing?!', lol.

Right...anyone else out there not like cotton wool? Can't wear certain clothes? have trouble doing up laces? Apparently i'm close to having a phobia of it...and am feeling quite alone in my dislike of it!

How about organisation - anyone feel a need to have things match and be symetrical, right down to organising pens so that they're the same way around, and putting pencils/paints in order before you start using them?

Can anyone sit with their legs bent back at the knee so that all of their legs, their bum, ankles and sides of their feet are touching the ground? People actually get freaked out at this one - which is a bit bizzare when it's natural for me!

Maybe i should start a club for people who do things that others find odd and laugh at. Not that i mind people having a smile at my expense - i'm happy to bring a bit of sunshine! Soo, anyone admit to doing any of my apparently odd things? Got any of your own/friend's you want to share?

Trying to get fit!

2006-09-02T06:33:00.000-07:00

Sooo, i'm not fit. I know i'm not really fat - but i also know that i'm not fit, and that i should be. I can't really afford to go to the gym frequently, and probably wouldn't feel very comfortable doing that anyway, having not really used one since my GCSE days, when i just used to run and row my way through our gym lessons. Now i think i'd have to stop after 10 mins!

My solution? A fitness dvd. I can work out when i have a spare however-long, and can do it without other people around me watching me go all red!

I really love dancing, and so i'd love to get one that i could dance along to, but my problem is that i'm really picky, and want to make sure that what i buy is good. Soo, that's where you guys come in. I don't know how many people are actually reading this, but if you are, and know of any fitness/work out dvds that are good then can you let me know?

A journey of discovery.

2006-08-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

In my small group it's been decided to start up a 'womens group' and a 'mens group' once a month, and in the womens one our focus is going to be a book, the first one being captivating.

I am two chapters into it and say to all the women reading this - go get this book!

Just by reading the first two chapters i can feel part of me almost awakening - as i see parts of me so deep and hidden that even i didn't realise/remember they were there come to the surface, i am feeling more complete and more happy with who i am. The cover reads 'unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul', and i think it is definately doing that.

Men, read it - Nath's already said that he'd like to, but i'm going to encourage him to until he does, because in reading it you can really understand what a woman is about.

I do have a warrior-like-ness inside of me. If someone comes up against or hurts those that i love, i feel myself rise up against it, and i love the idea of having an irreplacable role in the world i live in, and sharing that with those around me, especially the idea of being irreplacable to a man (namely Nathan). But i've always thought that these things were wrong, or selfish, so i've pushed them down. And just reading that they're ok and actually part of what my heart was created to have in it is so releasing!

'ezer kenegdo', is what God calls Eve after he's created her. And its meaning? Apparently its difficult to translate, but a good indication of its meaning is 'sustainer beside him'...the coolest bit of this is that the only other time this is used in the bible is when it's describing God's relationship with his people. Thats how important i am in this shared experience of life i have with Nathan. I've kind-of had the view that i'll fall into his shadows and support him where i can, but i'm created partly to be his sustainer, and i absolutely love the thought of that. Because i've already expressed that in our relationship, but have always worried that it wasn't right. I long to share life together as a great adventure. And this is what God feels for me - i think i get it now! At least, better than i did!

I also have always been embarressed by my desire to be romanced. To be wanted, pursued, desired, to be someones priority, to know and be shown that someone longs for me and wants to keep me, treasure me. But again, this book is telling me that's ok - my romantic side is something i find myself apologising for, trying to minimalise it, but it too, is part of what God put in my heart.

I am a relational being, very much so. I need relationships, and need contact with those i love, my relationships almost define who i am, if i've not spoken to Nathan or if i'm feeling annoyed at him, as with my close friends, then i can't go about my day feeling normal, that relationship has effected my day. I've always seen this as a weakness, but it's not - its a glory, 'a glory that reflects the heart of God', because God's exactly the same - He longs for relationship with us, with ME, and is gutted when he doesnt get it - how amazing is that?! GOD! He wants to romance me, and wants me to pursue him with all that i am, and to love him like i love no other. I've heard this so many times, but i understand now. It's clicked. And its amazing.

I remember many times playing dress-up with my friends, and i still love wearing skirts that twirl, i like wearing clothes that are flattering, i love getting to dress up to go to parties, because i want to be delighted in, and similarly to being romanced, it's something i've been really embarressed by. The idea of wanting to be beautiful to those around me has often felt wrong, self-centred, vein or materialistic.

But this feeling does go deeper inside of me - i want who i am as a person to be attractive, the word 'captivating' captures what i want to be exactly. And this is a part of me i've hidden. Very, very few people get to see me in my entirity. It's not a conscious decision, but something that just happens. A fear of someone not finding me captivating leaves me not being my true self, but through that i know that i've always longed for someone, anyone, and everyone, to see me, and to find the real me captivating.

'beauty is the essence of God', and so it makes perfect sense that i desire it. 'Nature is not primarly functional. It's primarily beautiful'. It is beauty that can speak 'all is well' into someones soul. It's inviting, comforting, inspiring, nourishing, transcendent...and is in me. It is a central part of who i am. I am all of these things, if i allow myself to be myself. And all these things are what God is. I long to bring this beauty to the world around me, for those around me to benefit from it, because of the relational part of me i guess. I have this beauty inside of me, and i want to unveil it in its entirity.

Stasi puts it perfectly when she says 'we desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.'

Something that really hit me in the second chapter is how it speaks of woman as being the 'crown of creation - the most inttriate, dazzling creature on earth'. I've always seen woman as a bit of an add on - to make man happy 'cause he was bored.

This is quite a personal blog isn't it?! I guess it would have to be, as it is revealing my heart. I am so excited about this book now! Hmm, well, hopefully i've not made you feel uncomfortable in reading it, and hopefully you've lasted until the end, but i really think what i learn from this book is going to really impact my life. Watch this space! :)

Old friends are good medicine!

2006-08-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

Last night i had some of my old school friends over for a dessert party, and it was so lovely (and very sickly)! Some of them i havent seen since Febuary, and thinking about it one of them i havent seen for even longer than that! But being with them is so natural. We were sat there, chatting away, with my new lights glowing, as if we'd only seen each other the day before. I love how i know those friends are always going to be friends. Hurrah for friends!!
Buut, i am feeling very shattered now - they stayed over and we didn't really get much sleep at all! 'tis all good fun!

How did all that happen today?!

2006-08-26T10:23:00.000-07:00

Well, in complete contrast to yesterday, i had a slow start to the day - woke up at just gone 9, lovely lie-in! Slowly got ready, and then got to work on the house at about 11, 11.30.
It's now 6.20 and i've checked off the rest of my list, my parents have got rid of two car loads of 'stuff' in the house that isn't needed, and my wonderful dad has bought me three lights and a plant for my living room because i thought it was 'ugly', i love my parents!
so i'm now sitting in a clean house, that, after a year of living here, is actually starting to feel like it's my house! Whoo!
I just don't have a clue how yesterday took so long in comparison to today, it is obviously one of those life mysteries you never fully understand!!

How has it taken this long?!

2006-08-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

Today i decided that i was going to spend the whole day sorting out stuff around the house - it's so easy to let things get on top of you, and pile up! So i made a list of 16 things that i needed to do (i like lists!) and got to work. 12 hours later, i've done 6 of them. And i'm shattered! Granted i've cooked and had an hour long phone conversation, but i really don't understand how it is that i have spent an entire day doing 'odd jobs' and i've only managed to get 6 done!

I can completely understand how a house wife, or 'full time mum' finds themselves swept away with things they need to do, and completely respect all those mums out there who have a job as well - how do you do it Han?!

Hello!

2006-08-24T00:53:00.000-07:00

Well, i've joined the world of bloggers! To be honest, this is about my third blog! But i always stopped using them because no-one else was, blogging isn't much fun when it's just you procrastinating! So here we go, blog number 3/4!!